First Contact
by The-Real-Kevy
Summary: An alien comes down to Earth to make contact, but is Earth really worth making contact with? A satirical look at Brittish popular culture. Some Brittish references that may be lost on non-UK dwellers. Reviews very much appreciated.


**FIRST CONTACT**

For millions of years humans have been watched. They were watched as they took their first tentative steps on the Earth's soil. They were watched as they fought through famine, droughts and each other. They were even watched as they devised endless reality television formats in the early 21st century. The watchers almost gave up watching during this period to leave and do something more worthwhile, but they didn't. They stayed. They stayed and watched because they had hope that some day the human race would sort itself out and ascend onto a higher plane of understanding, just as the watchers themselves had done millions of years ago.

And one day they did. In the year 2020 AD, the largest peace treaty ever was signed by every country in the world. Complete world peace had finally been achieved. Four days after this monumental moment, contact with an alien species was made. The watching creatures had known it would all be worthwhile. Four days after that, the creatures came down to Earth to make true contact and experience the third planet from the sun in all its glory.

The alien spaceship flew down to the arranged position with all the grandeur of a fifties B-movie. The ship they had flown down in had been deliberately designed by the meticulous creatures like a flying saucer from old movies to help comfort the humans. When they landed, King Glar Glar Glaxonian of the Tentulus race peered out of his cabin window with a sense of dread. The tanned tentacles that grew from his forehead obscuring all four of his eyes were tense and weren't moving to and fro in their usual playful way. He was to be the first to meet these alien creatures known as humans and he wasn't looking forward to it. He had attempted to prepare for the first meeting by reading the research materials given to him, but he simply couldn't fathom the culture. He couldn't understand why Heat! Magazine was a normal temperature or why OK! Magazine was so popular with humans. It was only OK. He would have preferred it to be good. And why these magazines insisted on pointing out the shortcomings of their 'celebrities' puzzled him to frustration. He couldn't see why it was important that a model from twenty years ago had fat ankles now. Then again, the planet of Tentulus didn't have 'celebrity status'. They treated every member of their species equally and admired them for the positive aspects of their personality.

The king walked over to the other side of his dark blue cabin and, with a heavy sigh, looked into a large mirror that covered the entirety of one wall. Appearance was important on this planet and he had to look sharp for his meeting with the planet leaders. The blank white robes that he usually adorned would not suffice here. He was to meet the three superpowers of Earth: President Jack Nicholson, Brittish Prime Minister Jordan (only the second female Prime Minister to run Great Britain) and veteran footballer David Beckham. Another subject the king couldn't get to grips with was why Prime Minister Jordan only had one name. Most other people on Earth had second names but not her. It was a bizarre world indeed.

As he looked in to the mirror, King Glar Glar Glaxonian took off his white robes to reveal the brown scaly flesh that covered his body. He walked into the corner of his cabin were the materials for his trip to planet Earth had been placed on a floating table. On the the table were the reading materials, a 'television' and an all black suit. The creature took the suit off the table and reluctantly put the superficial human clothing on. He began to rapidly pace up and down his room, looking at the silver cabin door that lead to the outside world with worry. His fear of leaving his cabin had not yet subsided. The world may have been at peace but had it really ascended to a higher plane of understanding and become a better place? After the pacing began to make him feel slightly dizzy, he turned to the materials again. The primitive form of entertainment known as the 'television' sat on the table and he eyed it apprehensively. He had tried to use it half an hour before but as soon as he turned it on he saw a programme that seemed to be solely about cutting humans open to give them a better appearance. Glar Glar could maybe accept holding looks in high esteem but slicing and dicing them in pursuit of it was just sickening! Since that disturbing first experience, he refused to use it again out of intimidation. The king grabbed the reading materials roughly off the desk and began rifling through them, desperately searching for hope in humanity. He threw each copy of Chat!, Reveal! And OK! To the floor until he found an article on a single sheet of paper that intrigued him. The headline of the article read "State of a Planet". He read on:

"Since 2010, the world appears to have become vacuous in terms of independent thought. We have become slaves to advertising executives who have brainwashed us with slogan after slogan. The corporate machine has always tried to make us believe what it wants but now we just blindly do so without question. We live our lives based on what the latest celebrity is promoting and we would do anything for our very own fifteen minutes of fame. We have become mindless, materialistic automatons who all want the same thing just because the marketing man told us we should..."

King Glar Glar Glaxonian stopped reading out of sheer despair. Maybe he had been completely wrong about this planet. Maybe it wasn't ready. He desperately flicked on the television, willing some morsel of intelligence to appear on the screen.

A portly woman with blonde hair appeared on the television as soon as he switched it on. She spoke in a loud and squawking voice.

"Hi guys!" squawked the woman, "Jade Goody, Home Secretary here! You probably remember me from the hit show of the early 21st century 'Big Brother'! A show that was unfortunately cancelled after two tragic deaths in the house. Sadly, this spelt the end for all reality television in 2012. Or at least it did until now! The Brittish government has decided to commission a brand new series of Big Brother that will begin early next year! That's right! Reality television is back!"

The king smashed through the door of his cabin, and sprinted as fast as he could to the ship's cockpit, panic overwhelming him. He burst through the cockpit door and screamed:

"Lets get the hell out of here! This planet is doomed!"


End file.
